did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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