if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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