got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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