this beer tastes like vomit already
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
