i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
