I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
