I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
