Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
