he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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