dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
my being single is dangerous.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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