i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
