I can tuck mytits in my pants
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
