K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
