i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
