new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
