A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
