Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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