just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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