my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
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The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
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And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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