What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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