I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
