I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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