life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
