The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My butt remains clenched, sir.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
