Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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