I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
