Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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