I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
