Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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