I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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