i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
