yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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