I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
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Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
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An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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