This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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