i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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