i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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