i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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