just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
