Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
