Michael Bay diarrhea
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
