Umm I'm too high to move.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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