the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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