We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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