new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
