First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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