Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I hope mine doesn't look like that
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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