Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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