I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
ok first of all what the fuck
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
