I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
