she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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