i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
