we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
