Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Randomize
