nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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