Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
