Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
