if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
