Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
